Who can tell the best joke?! (Page 2 of 5)

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a #@$@# on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.

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Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.
The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!" 

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A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course, Darling!" she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?"

By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning... But I do!!!"

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesnt have much luck until, one day; he
comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.  The bike seems even
better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the sellerhow he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.  But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.  Joe is shocked. Right smack in the
middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.  In the kitchen
is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.  They sit down to dinner and, sure
enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take
advantage of the situation.  So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says
a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.  Still, nobody says a
word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and has sex with her, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.  He looks at
her mom. "Shes got a great body," he thinks. So he
grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.  All of a sudden
there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.  Joe remembers his
bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.  Suddenly the father
backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, Ill do the
dam dishes."

................................................... Michael