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Joe Bonamassa Forum → Off Topics → Who can tell the best joke?!
Hey guys and gals,
After some of you (no names!) tried to invade Shreds "first song" topic with joke-telling I thought I´d give you your own thread - so the contest for the best joke teller starts right now!
May the best joke win! 
Eva
I'm not very funny.
I'm not very funny.
Ain't that the truth.
Granny Cath knows some knock-knock jokes.
OK, here's a couple just to start with....in a musical fashion.
Q: How do you know when a singer is at the door?
A: You give him the key but he doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What do you call a saxophone at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A start
Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a chiropodist?
A: A chiropodist bucks up your feet......
A guy walks into a bar to have a drink....looks down to the end and sees a very drunk fellow...the two make eye contact...the drunk looks at the fellow with wide eyes..."HEY!! IS YOUR FACE HURTIN YOU?".....the sober guy looks around, and realizes the drunk is talkin to him... "no, why do you ask"...the drunk lol..."CUZ IT'S KILLIN ME!!"
Dave
Two elephants fell off a cliff - boom, boom
Did you hear about the blue ship and red ship which collided in the Atlantic? All the passengers were marooned.
Did you hear about the man who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to pieces.
(ok I'll stop now).
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in $h!t up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.......
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Sorry, my jokes are dirty.
Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?
a guy calls into his work to tell the boss he is sick .
the boss answers the phone
he says to the boss i'm sick and won't be into work today .
the boss says how sick are you
he says well i'm screwing my sister right now is that sick enough..
If it ain't good enough for family....
A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of
tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses from you for not
being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pig"
"How long have you felt this way"
"oh, About 'AWEEEEEEKKKK' "
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What do you call man with no arms, no legs and no Torso in the sea ?
Bob!!
What do you call a man made of Paper ?
Rustle!!
What do you call a man with 2 rabbits up his.... Rear ?
Warren!!
Thank you very much /BOW
a guy calls into his work to tell the boss he is sick .
the boss answers the phone
he says to the boss i'm sick and won't be into work today .
the boss says how sick are you
he says well i'm screwing my sister right now is that sick enough..
Oh come on... that's an extremely shortened and unfunny version of one of my favorite raunchy jokes! Here's the whole thing:
A man gets hired for a new job on a Thursday. He works Thursday and Friday,
but when Monday morning rolls around he calls in and says, "I'm not gonna
make it in today, I'm sick." He works the remainder of the week, but the
following Monday morning he calls in again and says, "I'm not gonna make it
in today, I'm sick." The boss notices this, and asks the man's foreman what
the problem is. The foreman says, "I don't know, but when he is here, he
does the work of two men, and I can't afford to lose him." So the boss
calls the man into his office and says, "Your foreman tells me you're a good
worker, but you seem to have a problem getting into work on Monday mornings.
Is there anything we can help you with? Is it alcohol? Maybe drugs? The
man says, "I don't drink or drug, but my brother-in-law does. Every weekend
he goes out drinking and drugging and then he comes home smashed on Sunday
night and beats my sister. So every Monday morning after he leaves for work,
I have to stop in and make sure she's ok. She's always upset, and I hug her
and console her, and one thing leads to another, and next thing I know we're
screwing." The boss says, "What?! You mean you screw your own sister?!" And
the man says, "See, I TOLD you I was sick." 
(Aw come on people, it's not that bad... it's just a joke! 
)
--Vik 
A bus full of ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, killing all of the passengers. Feeling bad for them, God decides to grant them each one wish before they enter heaven.
"I want to be gorgeous, " says the lady at the front of the line. God snaps his fingers, and she's beautiful.
The second person sees this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too!" Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on until God gets to the very end of the line where the last guy is rolling on the floor laughing. Confused, God asks for the man's wish.
"Make 'em all ugly again!" he yells.
--Vik
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake..."
--Vik
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
--Vik
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"
"Be quiet, Fridge," said the mother.
--Vik
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Joe Bonamassa Forum → Off Topics → Who can tell the best joke?!
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