Starship Bonamassa, Captain Roy and the UISTAPCO (Page 2 of 7)

Sat 15th Sept 2007

MEMO TO ALL SPACE CADETS ABOARD THE STARSHIP SHUTTLE " BONATREK "

It Has Been brought to my Attention that their is a closet Disco dancer on Board The Starship Shuttle BonaTrek
It was recently Discovered in The Cadets Mess Area a Copy of Saturday Night Fever Vinyl Album and while there is NO Possible way of playing the said Funky Slice of 70's muse and The Perpitraitor of this Very Serious Smuggling offence is obviously stuck in some black hole in a music vacuum ....... I Can't Condone his Musical Taste , in fact i even had a copy of The Tavares Live ( wonder if i-Tunes Have That ) Yes Well Hmm
So i have Decided to inform Capt Roy " Travolta " Bluesman of a Trap to catch the said High Pitched White Jumpsuit Screamer ... By Holding a Saturday Night Fever Contest this coming Sunday ( L O L) 16th Sept on Level 5 in Room Studio 54 ! Entrance to this is by ORDER of The Captain and anyone not turning up will be incarcirated in the explosives depot and fed a diet of Mexican Beans and Hot Chili Sauce ..

Space Cadets will be asked to try to get into the spirit of The Bee Gee's and gain Authenticity by Adorning Sparkly Spandex , Flared all in ones and Bodystockings so as to not blow their cover and look Stupid ?  But by no means should any Macho Hairy Chest hair be visable or Large Medallions be on display & that goes for The Cadetesses Too . ... LIGHT REFRESHMENTS WILL BE AVAILABLE TOO
Potato chips and Cheap cola as The Food Budget last month was Excessive Due to Capt Maurice Bluesman & Pittsburgh Jeffery Ordering $5000 of Prime Steer Steak and Heinekin Lager From Earth and The Said Food & Drink Delivery was lost in Transit from Loading Dock to Kitchens ...... Lt Dave Bowers and Vice Capt J Dawg are on The Case They Tell Me , They are saying it's unusual for such a shipment like that just to Disappear in to Thin Air ..... Hmmmmm ?
Flight Lt Nancy Cooley has also informed me of some interstellar cadet activities .. A 100 mg Blue Viagra Pill was Discovered in The Library ...... Now whoever has dropped this pill , would probably have some other pills for their affliction .....
Medical Officers Cathy Siler & Nancy Cooley inform me of Obvious Side effects of The Guilty Suspect , Anyone Seen Acting Symptoms
1) Swish Slide Doors Sensor opens Early
2) Wearing Baggy NIKE Tracksuit
3) Standing or Leaning Forward at Strange angle while Peeing
4) Wanting to Cuddle up to Female Cadets
5) Saying they have a walking diffulculty that comes and goes
6) A LIKING FOR BACKSTREET BOYS POSTERS
7) Watching Pee wee herman and Brokeback Mountain Movies
8) Carrying Book Titled ... Erectile Dysfunction Problems  Q & A's 2007 Edition

If any of these symptoms are viewed .... please approach with care ,

Forthcoming Attractions Aboard The Space Shuttle Bonatrek

MON ........ Model Making Class ... This Week Joe Beacon will show you how to make a Drum Kit Like Bogie Bowles .... out of 6 toilet rolls , 2 washing powder boxes , 4 elastic bands some glue and 1 packet of dried spagetti .... Tickets go fast for this one kids

TUES ........ Capt Roy Bluesman ... will be holding courses on the finer points of The Golf Swing , Students i'm told are to bring their own balls or they can ask Pittsburgh jeff for Eggs from The Scully , Roy will firing Balls out of the Airlock as we pass over Wisconsin so as to save on wastage .. Snappy golf trousers are compulsary .. 3/4 Curtis Strange checked ones will help you impress Roy
Sandwedges not needed ...... But Sandwiches will ( michael lol )

WEDS ...... There is a Knitting class being held in Patty Patricks Room , Male Cadets are advised to come to this course as it gets rather cold down on Bluesrock at night ... this weeks design is a nice pink & orange number entitled  " WINTERWARMTH " and Patty tell me it's the in thing this Fall and will look eyecathing over a Cosmosuit ..... Needles & sewing pin are for hire at 75 cents each per 30 minutes .... so you better get your speed up crew

THURS ....... This is one of my favourite weekly activities we have on board , while on these dangerous missions into outer space looking for interllectual species , this Thursday were are having a Cooking lesson in the Kitchen by Pittsburgh Jeff and this weeks Special Guest is Space Legend Chewbacca ... Todays Recipe will be Chocolate Brownies ..... Chewbacca tell us that his old friend Jabba The Hut , used to eat tons of this stuff , Jeff will Teach us how to prepare and Bake , Chewy will tell us UUUURRRRRRRRRGH
OORRRRRRRRRRHH , Which Jeff tells me Roughly Translated Means that Steve Tyler , Mick Jagger , Keith Richards and Eddie van Halen & Dave Lee Roth are all from The Planet UG and at birth all fell out of the only Tree on the planet and hit every branch on the way down" I Find that hard to Believe , i don't think there were any branches on trees on Planet UG  .... After main course is served chewy will be telling stories about Mark hamill & Harrison Ford , one of my favourites is the time they were in the Alien bar in Star Wars with all those monsters and Mark said to Harrison , shall we try and pick up those 2 monsters over there and take em' back to our Mud hut on our hover bikes and have some fun ...... harrison replied you're disgusting Luke , you wanna cuddle up to Dad Vader and No way can i get romantic with a woman with Cakes for ears , that's Carrie Fisher .. oh forget it we sound like Shred & J Dawg , anyway that sounds like a fun evening , so all pop along for food and frolics 

FRI .......... We have a America's Got Talent type show , being held on The Bridge Jim Moody & Stu Craig will over see procedings with Jane as the judges .... There are Eight acts this week and it ?   Should/Could be Fun

The Eight Acts And Their Songs are as follows

      ARTIST                                    SONG

1 .  Captain Roy Bluesman                 "It went straight down the middle"

2 .  Michael " Top Gun " Lynch            "Do you know the way to Amarillo"

3 .  Rhonda Pierce                            " 24 hours from tulsa"

4 .  Shredit                                     " Return to Sender "

5 .  Rocket                                      " Rocket man "

6 .  Cathy                                       " Hey Joe "

7 .  Nancy                                       " My Kind of Town "

8 .  Patty                                        " Walk in my Shadows"   Apparently this is gonna be a mime ( some marching ?)l o l

Anyway Crew All have a Safe Journey and i'll report back on Sunday with some groundbreaking news

Until then ...... as Jerry Springer used to say   " Take Care of Yourself and Eachother "

CO PILOT MICHAEL " TOP GUN " LYNCH

END OF MESSAGE

Dear Captain and crew....As vice co-capt Jdawg undertakes a very dangerous mission beginning tomorrow I think we all need to ask the WING to provide him extra protection. He will be entering an area of the galaxy full of high level radiation and unknown entities...In his favor is his strength of character and devotion to the "Cause"..Godspeed, our friend...Lt.G

Captain, I have intelligence(heehee) reports that CoCaptain Michael has fallen under the influence of sloe gin, and I don't mean the song. It would appear that the Disconians have gone as far as to attack a civilian (Sharon Lynch) with this fiendish liquid. That may explain any untoward activity of his. I am researching cures. As for distorted vision, I prefer to keep it that way. I, personaly, look best in low lighting and blurred vision. Besides, isn't that why we got handicap tags? We are waiting for you in the Barbarella room. Nancy has on her "special" pleasure uniform...Lt.G.

Oh Captain, MEIN KAPITAN,

        Damn the torpedoes!!! let's race the Lone Star for pinks and a kegger too. I have a sly plan up my sleeve. As we engage them at full throttle Sgt. Dawg will plug my finger into the crystal control panel and with the amounts of radiation I have recently accumulated we should blow the hatches off them just like hittin' the noz button in Fast & Furious. By the way SIR!, and I use that term loosely, I would love to hear your rendition of I'm Your Captain by GFR on talent night SIR!

                                                                                       Am I in my cabin dreaming?

                                                                                       SGT. J Dawg

Major Michael
Captain Roy
        I regret to inform you that the regular Wednesday session of knitting for all male cadets will have to be postponed.  Upon entry into the knitting room I discovered balls of yarn strewn all about the cabin.....seems that the ships mischievous kittens Black Night & Jelly Roll have been up to no good.  Would you please instruct Sgt. J Dawg  and Sgt. Shred to come to the knitting room immediately to help clean up.
        "Here kitty-kitty, Bad kitty-kitty......Meow....Hiss....Meow......."
                                                         (Can't remember my title) Patty

P.S.  Would you please tell crew members not to leave their special "cat-nip" laying around.

"I'm not nice to any guitar!"     
                 Joe Bonamassa 05-03-12

JBLP CHILD #184

Good work, Lt. G! That joebeacon can be a slippery character. However, I'm not sure prolonged exposure to Barry Manilow is enough to make him change his ways. Better break out the Air Supply videos as well.

Lt. Wench Nancy

Captain..Chaos is ruling!!!! It seems to me that ever since the luncheon the crew has remained in "party" mode. My supply of Happy meds was depleted. I was forced to make a trip to DoverDelawarea to restock. It was a dangerous mission! The Nascarians and Extreme fisherman from Alaskania were there. Those people are CRAZY!!! They ingest Sloe Gin by the liter!!! Luckily the shuttle Toyota had the Fender jets attached and we escaped untarnished. I am requesting that you regain control. Return to UISTAPCO standards. Trips to the pleasure room need to be scaled back to those deemed necessary by the medical staff. A new day yesterday attitude is not helping...Also, the looping of the adult film, Another Kind of Love, needs to cease. I request ALL leather attire and accessories be returned immediately!! Lie#1...the mission is not threatened........Lt. G....

Millhouse, Thank the stars you showed up!!! It was the only chance I had to escape my "reward". As we get deeper into the mission, the crew is getting wild! I think Nitrous Oxide in the ventilation system is not productive. So, stay on your toes! Now, I need to go cut off these restraints..Bad Captain!!!!        Lt. Com. G